This is my first review. Oh yes! You are in for a special treat my friends. You are either about to read a brilliant review, full of wit and intellectual insights or your about to read a steaming pile of crap, and demand the next five minutes of your life back. Personally, i know which one i'm aiming for, but it could go either way.
Wait a minute, did I just use the phrase intellectual insight when talking about a review for Godzilla? I don't know what I was thinking.
Since i have a tendency to ramble, I shall jump straight into the review. Well, here goes nothing.
If I was to describe Godzilla in
one,
two, three words it would be LOUD, stupid and fun. Which aren't bad words to describe a big budget monster movie if you ask me. Expecting the american version of Godzilla to be some deep, emotional affair would be like watching a Rob Zombie movie for it's family friendly nature. It just ain't going to happen people!... and to be frank why would you want it to be?
I went into this movie expecting to see a giant lizard destroy a city and that's exactly what i got. Well to be fair, the army caused most of the destruction, but we will get to that in a little bit.
Let's start at the beggining. After an oddly sepia toned opening credit sequence we wind up in where else, Tokyo! Here, we are introduced to some delightful fishermen going about their business and while we are at it, how much fish did they use in this movie? I swear, sometimes it was like the stench was actually finding it's way through the TV. Although, i could simply just smell of fish and people are too polite to say.
But i digress. While following these fishermen, i got the first of my many 'holy fuck! is that him!?!?' moments while watching the film.
You see, this small chinese man appears on the screen watching sumo wrestling, as you would in Tokyo, and all i can think is....
.....the man from KARATE KID RIGHT? Now, i haven't exactly seen that movie in a really long time, and i doubt the guy's career has gone so down the toilet that he is a mere extra in a Godzilla movie, but it really does look like him right? Although, after a quick Google, i am now beggining to realize that most chinese people do look a like. I'm still going to go ahead and say it's him though. It just makes Godzilla a better movie for me, if the man from Karate Kid is an extra who loves a bit of sumo.
After my stunning realisation, and a few minutes pondering how the Karate man's career had fallen so low, it is shown that we are in fact on a boat. I know, who knew? Of course this boat won't be lasting very long as the omnibous music is warning that us that something
pretty terrible is about to happen. Then before you can say 'GODZILLA!' he appears. Well i'm at least 99.8% sure it's him. All we get to see is a claw and a tail, but they seemed rather Godzilla-like to me. These ferocious parts of Godzilla or 'Big G' as i will now affectionetly refer to him as, start tearing away at the boat, which let me tell you is NO titanic. The thing shrivels up and dies in a matter of mere seconds, leaving one lone survivor. Another old chinese man, who also resembles karate man, go figure eh?
After the old man mutters 'Godzilla' for the big clue. Ferris Bueller appears and he is doing something with worms. What exactly? I'm not sure, but it looks mighty scientific. He's eletrocuting the ground and everything, making the worms shoot right out of the soil, he's a worm whisperer if I ever saw one, i tell ya.
During this space of unecessary characterization, this is a monster movie after all, we are also introduced to Bueller's ex broad who is basically the definition of the side story. This will probably be the last time I mention her since i care nothing for her and her so called 'story' and quite frankly her scenes made me feel sleepy.
Hyacinth 'The LADY of the House' shares this opinion.
After that there is a lot of filler nonsense that i will sum up in quick points to get to the trashing of Manhattan.
1. Bueller and his buddies find some footprints (OH YES! Footprints!)
2. Godzilla once again shows his taste for ships as three ferry type things are pulled under the sea in what is actually quite an impressive action sequence.
3. There is also a lovely part where a bum (also chinese) goes fishing and hooks GODZILLA! I know, i know, more than he bargained for right? After this, the old man shows some suprising agility for a man his age and outruns Godzilla off the dock. Although i'm fairly sure he drowned or was stood on by Big G after this, but since the movie is 'PG' that part seems to of been glossed over.
Okay, now here we have it, Big G has hit Manhattan. Or, at least his foot has. That's basically all you see for about ten minutes. His foot. I thought this was suppose to be big budget people!?!? If i'm honest the foot doesn't even look that great.
My dissapointment was minimized however with this image.
Now first of all, i have to apologize for my image resizing skills, they are clearly not up to scratch.
Now...Do you remember those three boats i was talking about earlier? No? Then catch up people. You see it turns out that one of those boats is back. Not only is it back, but it is back as Godzilla's brand new spanking HAT. Now this boat was not on Big G's head as he attacked 'Bum fisherman' so this just goes to show what effort he goes through before attacking such a 'prestegious' city as Manhattan. He is accesorising people(!), and it's for your benefit.
After this first attack, the movie pretty much never let's up. The rest is filled with action and the special effects get marginally better as time goes on. Although since I believe i have rambeled enough, i thought it would be easier to write one of those nice lovely lists again to sum up the rest of the movie. Here it goes.
1. Doug Savant pops up as an Army man!!! Much butcher than his Melrose Place counterpart but still getting just as little action.
2. There is a lovely part with some sad woman on the phone speaking to her mother. She has a broken arm and i pondered a while on how it happened.
3. HELOCOPTERS! HELICOPTERS HELIPCOPTERS! Serious overload. One shot i believe shows about 50 of them heading off to Manhattan. I'm not sure why though, as they seem incapable of actually hitting Big G. You watch the movie, you will see that they cause most of the destruction. Godzilla is totally misunderstood if you ask me.
4. There is also a lovely part with our characters in a sea of black umbreallas holding a red umbrella. Now i understand that the director wants our attention kept on them, but please were not imboceles. We can following a simple character across the screen. The director seems to of had a special connection with this umbrella, as it has many cameos through the movie. I looked for it at every oppurtunity, i tell you.
That is all. I know my review goes into little detail about the actual movie or the action peices or what not, but what can i say i'm simple. At the end of the day, you will know if this movie appeals to you or not. If you have a big affection for anything with mass destruction or big lizards, then this is for you. It is also a good movie if like me, you love to know what the Melrose Place gang got up to after they recovered from their melodramas.
